if tomorrow I should seek Him once more, then find Him I will.

I both love and hate nights like this. My heart and my head will not stop swimming with emotion, thoughts, desires, dreams, fears, love, hope, and all things lovely. My eyes do not want to stop, and I feel as if going to bed would be letting go of all that is going on inside. Like somehow it would never end if I just stayed up all night, never letting slumber come in. Tonight I sat around a table of friends listening to stories, enjoying them, yet still far off in my own world. The whole time I was simply longing to get alone with God. Eventually crowd died down and I made my way to my favorite spot to pray. After some much needed conversation and encouragement with a friend I was alone with God at last, ready to dive in. I felt deeply, and poured myself out, exposing myself completely to my Father. And then came the peace. No answers came to my wandering heart, no decisions made, no doors opened. Instead a simple refreshing reminder that my God is big, and that He is enough. That truth brought more peace than I know what to do with. On nights when I feel so desperate to be with Him, so desperate to run into His arms and ask questions, and cry, and be held, I think I expect a drawn out struggle...something that will last hours even for God to work it all out with me. Not tonight. The peace came so quickly that I was left staring at His creation without cares, but simply in awe of His peace. I so enjoyed the night that I dreaded leaving and making my way back home. I played with the thought of not leaving at all, just staying right there all night, never wearying of the peace and joy of his presence. I imagined watching the sun cast light on my day as the peace filled night slipped away. Then I had to leave, and as I walked towards my home, I walked as slowly as I could trying to come up with an excuse to stay outside and not let it end. For now though it must, but I take comfort in knowing that my God is the same tomorrow as He is today. So if tomorrow I should seek Him once more, then find Him I will.

C